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Modern Major-General by Gilbert and Sullivan, From The Pirates of Penzance (The Orignal)

I am the very model of a modern Major-General,
I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights historical
From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical;
I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters mathematical,
I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical,
About binomial theorem I'm teeming with a lot o' news,
With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse.

ALL:
With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse.
With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse.
With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse.

GENERAL:
I'm very good at integral and differential calculus;
I know the scientific names of beings animalculous:
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.

ALL:
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
He is the very model of a modern Major-General.

GENERAL:
I know our mythic history, King Arthur's and Sir Caradoc's;
I answer hard acrostics, I've a pretty taste for paradox,
I quote in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus,
In conics I can floor peculiarities parabolous;

I can tell undoubted Raphaels from Gerard Dows and Zoffanies,
I know the croaking chorus from the Frogs of Aristophanes!
Then I can hum a fugue of which I've heard the music's din afore,
And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pinafore.

ALL:
And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pinafore.
And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pinafore.
And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pinafore.

GENERAL:
Then I can write a washing bill in Babylonic cuneiform,
And tell you ev'ry detail of Caractacus's uniform:
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.

ALL:
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
He is the very model of a modern Major-General.

GENERAL:
In fact, when I know what is meant by "mamelon" and "ravelin",
When I can tell at sight a Mauser rifle from a javelin,
When such affairs as sorties and surprises I'm more wary at,
And when I know precisely what is meant by "commissariat",
When I have learnt what progress has been made in modern gunnery,
When I know more of tactics than a novice in a nunnery--
In short, when I've a smattering of elemental strategy,
You'll say a better Major-General has never sat a gee.

ALL:
You'll say a better Major-General has never sat a gee.
You'll say a better Major-General has never sat a gee.
You'll say a better Major-General has never sat a gee.

GENERAL:
For my military knowledge, though I'm plucky and adventury,
Has only been brought down to the beginning of the century;
But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.

ALL:
But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
He is the very model of a modern Major-General.

The Modern Major Jugglist by Jeremy Shafer (a Parody)

I am the very model of a modern major jugglist
I've juggled all the patterns, ugly, uglier and ugliest
I do the basic tricks and even those that I have trouble at
I earn my living when you put a piece of paper in my hat
I spy on other jugglers and steal tricks that are stealable
Then feed them to the crowds which I find are most agreeable
I love to gawk and giggle at the poor beginning juggling crew
Yet I can teach a klutz to juggle well within a year or two
Yes I can teach a klutz to juggle well within a year of two... etc.

Just like all other jugglers I've got no kind of social life
But I'll talk to you if you can juggle seven torches and a knife
For still in matters throw and catch and bobble ball and 'Darn, I missed'
I am the very model of a modern major jugglist

I juggle in the theater and I juggle in the laundromat
I juggle on occasion in the bathroom, you can ponder that
I'd juggle up in heaven for the gods and for the goddesses
I'd juggle for the rabbi but I'm sure that he'd say, "Vat iz 'zis
I've juggled to the repetitious music known a 'Heart and Soul'
I've juggled without dropping for the first half of the Super Bowl
I've juggled in the swimming pool and the San Francisco Bay
No doubt that I'll be juggling down the aisle on my wedding day
No doubt that I'll be juggling down the aisle on my wedding day... etc

For I can juggle anything and everything that's tossible
I'm not afraid of danger and I strive for the impossible
For still in matters throw and catch and bobble ball and 'Darn, I missed'
I am the very model of a modern major jugglist

I love to juggle eggs but only when they are unbreakable
I juggle sleeping babies only when they are unwakable
I love to ride my unicycle up into the Berkeley Hills
While glugging down a dose of Cappuccino mixed with sleeping pills
In fact when I have juggled boiling oil mixed with liquid coal
When I have juggled chainsaws while on stilts while on a telephone pole
In short, when I've done everything that wasn't done by any other
The Guiness Book of World Records will display me on its cover
The Guiness Book of World Records will display me on its cover... etc

For I try to make my street performing funny, free and innocent
Your kindly contribution of a dollar is magnificent
For still in matters throw and catch and bobble ball and 'Darn, I missed'
I am the very model of a modern major jugglist

Modern Teenage Cyberpunk (Author Unknown, Another Parody)

I am the very model of a modern teenage Cyberpunk
I rent my own apartment and it's full of electronic junk
I own a VAX, a 486, I've even got a PDP
I've finished Myst and Doom but I am stumped by Wing Commander III

I'm very well aquainted too with matters pornographical
I have a list of image sites, both overseas and national
So if you want to see a picture of that Anna Nichole Smith
I'll fire up my terminal and fetch for you a naughty GIF

I'm totally an anarchist, the government I'd like to wreck,
Though if they were to get blown up, who'd give to me my welfare cheque?
In short if you need answers that concern your electronic junk,
I am the very model of a modern teenage Cyberpunk

I know the ancient myths about RTM, Pengo and Mitnick
I 'hack' into computers and I then perform a credit check
I scare all my non-hacker friends with tales of cracker theivery
and even though I'm spouting crap they'll listen and believe in me

I've learned to spot a troll and I've seen flames about the way I spell,
I've traced badly forged cancels and seen napalm poured on AOL
I've laughed at all the newbies and their flailing cries of "You all Suck!"
I've been flamed by Carasso, with an anvil I have then been struck

I've hung around in alt.tasteless and seen war waged on rec.pets.cats
I've spent my time in talk.bizarre and used those stupid Relay Chats
In short, if you need answers that concern your electronic junk,
I am the very model of a modern teenage Cyberpunk
Well postings like "MAKE.MONEY.FAST", I am now somewhat wary at,
I have been "Global Killfiled" by the Joel Furr Commissariat,
When rosebud posts a lengthy rant 'bout Microsoft she swears is true,
I know that she is just another short lived kook without a clue

When I have learnt what progress has been made upon the Internet,
When I know something more than just a smattering of netiquette,
In short when I can have a world-wide soapbox on which I can stand
I've got no time for other things, like beer and trips to Disneyland

My life outside the Internet is very very sad you see
I cannot get my spots to fade, my social life's a tragedy,
But still if you need answers that concern your electronic junk,
I am the very model of a modern teenage Cyberpunk.

Model Of A Modern Diplomatic Droid by redfive@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au (A Parody)

(from _HMS DEATHSTAR_)
THREEPIO:
I am the very model of a modern diplomatic droid
I'm fluent in the languages of Robot, Wookiee, humanoid,
A binary loadlifter does not pose the slightest mystery,
I know the rules of protocol and also human history.
I'm very well acquainted too, with matters mathematical,
I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical,
About binomial theorem I'm teeming with a lot o' news -
With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypoteneuse

CHORUS
With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypoteneuse (X3)

THREEPIO
I'm very good at integral and differential calculus,
I know the scientific names of beings animalculous;
In short, my masters find in me a reason to be overjoyed,
I am the very model of a modern diplomatic droid.

CHORUS
In short his masters find in he, etc.

THREEPIO
I am the very model of a modern diplomatic droid;
Adventure is the sort of thing I'd hoped that I could quite avoid,
For droids who find adventure often find that they get melted down ,
Or shipped out to the Kessel mins and tiresome labour underground.
My counterpart excels at making trouble for the rest of us,
He lured me to the desert where the jawas soon molested us,
They sold us to some farmers, and before the passing of a day,
I had to tell my master that the little twerp had run away

CHORUS
He had to tell etc. (X3)

THREEPIO
Now that were on the Death Star, and stormtroopers swarm the prem ises,
I'm hiding in the closet with that little Artoo nemesis;
And so I want to make it clear 'ere Artoo gets us both destroyed.
I was the very model of a modern diplomatic droid.

CHORUS
And so he wants to make it clear 'ere Artoo gets them both destroy ed,
He was the very model of a modern diplomatic droid.